I am Thankful...

I have SO much to be thankful for!! I have learned so much this past year while on my journey to a healthy, happier me! I have learned that I am so much stronger than I thought I was; not just physically but mentally! I can do so much more than I ever gave myself credit for and I am so happy to have learned this about myself. For so many years, I was beat down, had very low self esteem, was depressed and was just existing from one day to the next.

Like so many of us, I have tried dieting and exercise and like I’ve said before, I had LOTS of excuses. It was hard…. Damn hard and I quit more times than I would like to admit! But like the saying goes - Fall seven times, get up eight!

I learned that even though I had been beat down, despite that low self esteem, despite being depressed that I was tired of just existing. I wanted more. I had friends and family that cared about me, so why couldn’t I start caring again? It was time to find and get to know myself again and make some changes.

I did that… or at least, I was beginning to, I was on the right path and headed in the right direction (some days that’s the best we can do) and then I met Sam (I’ve told that Story before…. It’s a great story) and I wanted to dedicate myself to being healthier. I made myself a promise that I would never be in that dark place again and I would shed the 100 or so lbs that I had put on over the past 17 years and I WOULD be successful this time. I was ready. I was more than ready. I was taking control of my life. Every day, I was learning that I had the ability to make the changes needed. Have I slipped up occasionally?? Of course… but I didn’t quit and I didn’t let it get me down. I just brushed myself off and got back on track. Why? Because I want this…. I mean, I really want this.

Over the past year, I have lost 65 lbs. If you add it all up, it’s probably a little more because I lost 60, gained about 15 after surgery and I have lost another 12 since then… but if you are counting from where I started last December…. I’ve still lost 65 lbs and it’s AmAzing!

Would I be happy if I maintained where I am currently? Well, here’s the dealio… Yes, I would be happy…. But I WANT more. I am proud of the progress that I have made and I see the changes that my body is going through and I love it. I love the idea of not having to wear a pair of Spanx with my wedding dress in June, however, IF I have to….. of course I will! I’m looking forward to walking on the beach in Cancun without worrying if people are looking at me. I love seeing the muscle definition forming in what we call my “baby muscles”. I get excited whenever I see something new that I haven’t noticed before. Just this morning, I could see a baby muscle in my triceps while doing some tricep exercises on the cables. I have not seen that before and it was exhilarating.

About two weeks ago, I received a cute new shirt in the mail that I had ordered online. I pulled it out of the package and looked it over. I was so excited to wear it but it looked awful small. I’m wearing a large t-shirt to the gym these days, but this looked like one of those shirts that was made extra small or maybe it was a junior sized shirt… regardless, I took one look at it and knew it wouldn’t fit. I didn’t bother trying it on. I just put in the drawer with the rest of my work out gear and set a goal that I would wear it soon. Last night, I was putting my things together so I could wake up, get dressed and head out the door to the gym. I saw the shirt. I held it up to myself and said, nope…. It’s still too small but what the Hell, I’m gonna try it on anyway. I’ll just see if I can gauge how long it will be before I can wear it. Guess what? It actually fit. I was amazed! Holy Cow, it fit. I’m telling you, by looking at it, it’s awful small…. You know what I learned from that? Apparently, I’m smaller than I think. It’s funny how we see ourselves so much differently than how others see us. I'm thankful my body is changing as a result of my hard work :)

It’s not about the number on the scale. It’s not about the size of the jeans. It’s about how I feel. It’s being confident and feeling on the outside the same as I feel on the inside. I am happy. I am happy and I am thankful for all of the blessings I have received. For all of the people I have met. For all of the people who care about me and my progress. For those who encourage me to work harder than I did the day before. For sharing their own stories and touching me. For people who say they are inspired when they hear my story. It’s unbelievable and I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me when people say that I have inspired them. It makes my heart happy.

One Year....wow!

It was one year ago today.... one year ago that I woke up and life as I knew it would change. Did I have any idea what would happen? Did I have any idea what I was getting myself into? Did I have any idea what the heck I was doing? The answer to all of those questions was not just no but "Hell No".

As I have said any other posts, I had a moment in my life that I decided I was fed up with the way I was living. I woke up one cold December morning and decided to take my life back into my hands and make some changes.... that date was one year ago today.

In the past year, I have seen weight come off, weight go back on, I have worked the proverbial "blood, sweat and tears", I have been benched because of knee surgery but the one thing that has remained has been my dedication and persistence. Losing weight feels amazing.... however months and months of plateau - NOT so much! The "old me" would have quit a long time again, especially when I hit a plateau or when I started gaining weight. It's frustrating. It's easy to throw in the towel. It's easy to find the excuses and quit.... but I didn't do any of those things.... and I won't.

I was on a roll when I started my journey a year ago. I was steadily losing weight and that felt Amazing but then I hit a brick wall when I was told I was going to have to have knee surgery. I hated not being able to get into the gym. I actually lost weight the first week or so, despite the fact I was layed-up on the couch but that gradually turned into about 10 lbs of weight gain. I pushed myself before I was ready, I know I did... but anyone on this journey knows that if you're not working and you're not eating right then you're not losing anything... so I started pushing through the pain and just did what I could. Since August, I have maintained my weight. I haven't lost but at least I was maintaining. I was eating alright and doing what I could but I still knew that I needed to change things up. I was tired of being stuck and frustrated.

There is still a lot that I can't do at the gym and I'm taking my time and doing what I can. I'm still not healed, in fact, there are days I don't feel any better off... but I'm not a quitter. I'm determined. I've got a goal.

I am very fortunate to have so many amazing people in my life! I wouldn't be where I am today without their strength and support. Sam is right there at the top of that list. There have been days I have whined, complained and just haven't felt it but he was still right there with me, encouraging me because he has faith in me. I have also met some pretty amazing people online through a community of people who share similar goals and am lucky to have found them. Because of this, I have been working with an amazing group of women, working towards a 30 Day Holiday Challenge... but more importantly, I have gotten back into the groove of where I should be.... I'm actually losing weight again and I can't be happier. Is it hard? Hell yeah, it's hard! Can I do it? Absolutely!!

I've learned that there will be ups and there will be downs. There will be good days and there will be bad days. There will be great weight loss and there will also be days that I slip up and I will enjoy the holidays and special occasions... I'm only human! What is important is that tomorrow is always a new day. What is important is that no matter what, I'm not throwing in the towel. I've been there and I've done that and I've gotta say that even on a very frustrating day now, well that sure as hell beats a day of my past life where I wasn't doing anything at all!!

I am no where near where I want to be but that's ok... that's why this is called a journey. I'm not going to wake up one morning and say "I have reached my goal weight, I'm finished"... it doesn't work that way. It's a journey that I will be on the rest of my life. I will continue to set goals for myself and each day, I will strive to be better than I was the day before.

So here we are, a year later.... a year from the day I decided to change my life for good, a year from the day I decided to do this for myself.... do I have any regrets.... NO, of course not! Have you heard the saying "A year from now, you will wish you have started today?" I cannot express how happy I am that I started my journey a year ago and I can't wait to see where I am a year from today!

I had an A-ha moment

I've been thinking about my {for lack of better word} diet, lately. I really don't like the word diet because it makes me feel like I'm restricted and it's all about choices. Can I eat "that"? Sure, but what impact will "that" have on my body and what I'm doing to make it better?

As I have said before, when I started my journey (nearly a year ago - stay tuned, I'm sure I will have an anniversary post!)... I began a pretty strict "diet" in January and it was tough.... I mean, it was harder than tough. There is tough and then there was this.... but I stuck with it because of a combination of:
1)sheer determination
2)stubborness
3)to prove that i could stick to it
4)I R-E-A-L-L-Y wanted to lose weight
5)did I mention stubborness????

For eight weeks, I ate the same thing day in and day out... was it boring? Oh hell yes! Did it work? Heck yeah? Was it sustainable? Probably not... However... I dropped the weight and was happy with that. When I was parolled... I mean, the diet was over, I decided to play around with different "diets", "meal plans", etc. I continued to lose weight but I'll admit, I got lazy. Hey, it happens! I stopped being so strict. I stopped counting calories. I made healthy options but I still splurged ocassinally. Bottom line is that I slacked off. I was "researching" what I would do next because it seemed like what my system needed was something new every several months. I went back to counting calories, I started eating cleaner (not 100% of the time, but it was cleaner) and I wondered why I wasn't losing weight.

I decided that after the holidays, I would go back to a version of the original diet.... maybe not it exactly, but something a whole lot more strict than what I've been doing. If I wait till after the holidays, then I won't have to worry about Thanksgiving and Christmas. I knew those were days that I would eat and not really be on the diet. I told Sam that I wanted to start after the holidays (and he supported me as usual.... because he's awesome) and I was talking to a friend and I stopped and just thought to myself for a moment.... What the Hell was I saying? I had basically just told the two of them that I was going to start my new diet in January. I had a moment of clarity and my light bulb went off....

January is over a month away. Why in the world would I wait till January? That sure sounds like an "excuse" to me.... an excuse to put off losing weight, an excuse just like the kind I used to use all the time! Oh Hell to the NO!

Let me get this straight... January is over a month away and I've convinced myself to wait till then because of 2 days that I want to eat.... well, Hello... can you say cheat meals? Why not, start eating like I NEED to now? Why not eat with my family on those days and just make better choices? Why can't I eat on a small plate, limit the servings and sweets to a minimum but STILL enjoy that time? Why can't I "have my cake and eat it too"?? If I do this now, I won't have to worry about gaining weight over the holidays and then be mad at myself and say "I don't know why I'm not losing weight" or "I just don't understand why I put 10 lbs back on"... you get the idea! I have already decided that I need to have "cheat meals" occassionally anyway... that way, I don't lose my mind!

So..... my new plan is this: I am starting immediately. Well, pretty much after grocery shopping this weekend...
I will stick to a structured meal plan similiar to the original but I will give myself more choices. I will go back to smaller servings and that will make a huge difference! I will limit my snacks and continue on the suppliments that I'm taking and when it comes time for Thanksgiving and Christmas... I can have the turkey or the ham, I can have the sides, a piece of whole wheat bread and the pumpkin parfait instead of pie/cake. There is no reason I can't splurge yet still be Smart about it!!!

I have done it before and I can do it again... I know that I have the determination, the stubborness, the will power (ok, I may need help with the will power).... but I have so many people in my corner that want to help me and who want me to succeed.... so, I CAN DO THIS!! The wedding is T minus 204 days... just sayin!

Today..... I am thankful for A-ha moments!!! :)

Motivation

Today ends another month of my journey; just 7 more months till the wedding…. That means 7 months to fit into my wedding dress, which by the way, has already been purchased, delivered and is hanging in my closet. I set a goal that I wanted to be down to 130 lbs by the time of the wedding and I have obsessed over it. Since the day I started my journey (nearly a year ago) to the day I began “Operation Wedding Dress” to now, I have come a long way. I have come a long way despite not losing as much weight as I feel like I should have, despite the many obstacles and plateaus of not losing weight, despite the knee pain, knee surgery and continued knee pain that I deal with daily… I have chosen not to give up. That thought has never once occurred to me.

I remember just days after surgery thinking that I could get back into the gym and I tried… but I quickly learned that I just wasn’t ready. I continued trying every chance I could… most of the time, realizing that I wasn’t ready… even though everyone kept telling me to slow down. I wanted to be back in the gym. I needed it. I didn’t like the feeling of sitting at home and doing nothing. Ok, yeah, I was recovering from surgery but I guess I was afraid that it might just be easier to sit and do nothing than to work hard for what I really want. I “just sat and did nothing” for years and frankly, I just got tired of it. I made a commitment to myself last December (December 8th to be exact) and I refuse to go back to living the life I had been for so long. I owe it to myself!

I have tried different approaches to losing weight and decided that I pretty much have a handle on my exercise and weight training. Sam helps with that and we come up with things that won’t irritate my knee too much…. I appreciate that! I know I have said this before.... but this would be a good time to mention just how lucky I am to have him in my life!

My diet is what has been giving me headaches! I’ve tried a few things, different meal plans, counting calories, even tried to wing it on my own for a while but I got to a point where after a while, nothing seemed to work. Sort of like right now. I fluxuate up and down within about 4 lbs and have done that for a while. Maybe I’m trying too hard. Maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself. Maybe if I step back and breathe, I can just get back on track.

We’ve been trying to eat clean recently and I just received a new meal plan that I am going to try out and see if this helps or not, basically it's just a bunch of recipes with the nutrition info already figured out... so, it can't hurt. I know that my doctor keeps saying that If I eat the foods that the good Lord made, I will lose weight. I assume I still need to stay around a certain number of calories, I’m not sure. I have read a lot about how many calories I should be eating and almost every site says something different... that's not very helpful! I have asked for help on facebook a few times but I get a lot of replies that say that you have to try this product or that product. Some of them, I am interested in (especially the shakes… it seems like it may be an easy meal while I’m at work and away from home and don't have time to cook)…. But others will say that I need to buy their supplements and say that if I do, I will lose weight and I don’t even have to work out. Well, that’s a load of crap. There is NO magic pill that will do that. Trust me, I know. I’ve looked for it! I’m not saying I am against supplements, I take some of them myself but I’m not going to run out and buy something that I haven’t researched and definitely not something that is promoted by saying that you can lose weight without exercising. I’ve worked too hard and am smart enough to know otherwise and I don't want to un-do all of the hard work that I have put in.

Perhaps, I need to not worry so much about my goal weight and reaching it before June 14th (that's our wedding date, in case you were wondering) but rather to continue eating healthy and exercising daily. I know it will come off. If I’m going to obsess about anything, maybe it should be the fact that my dress is pretty form fitting and I need to flatten my abs…lol.

I have come across a lot of people through Facebook recently and they are so encouraging to me! A lot of them have traveled and are traveling a similar road that I have and it’s really nice to meet and reach out to them, to read their stories, make new friends and be encouraged by them. Losing weight, any amount of weight, is hard work. Let me just emphasize that…… losing weight is HARD but it can be done. I have literally encountered my own blood, sweat and lots of tears but I’m determined. It’s nice to have companions that are going through the same thing, that understand the struggles and that help lift me up when I need it. I'm not saying that I don't get that from my friends and family but they understand the daily struggles and it's helpful to have a network of people that have been there and done that.

I have a doctor appointment in another week and we will discuss another MRI. If my knee is still damaged, who knows what they will want to do. I’m just going to remain positive and do what I can, when I can and continue pushing myself as hard as I can. I will be proud of myself for doing so well, for staying motivated and for working so hard. I will live my life one day at a time and make the best choices that I can.

What's up?

Well, I'm embarassed to admit that my last post was on May 20.... that was like 4 months ago. So much has happened since then!! I haven't lost much weight, well, I take that back, I did hit the 60 lb mark... but I'll get to that. Let's see... the condensed version of what's been going on (for those of you that know me, you know it's difficult for me to make a long story short...lol). Let's see, on June 10, while Sam's parents were here visiting from out of state, we were sitting around the dining room table having a really nice evening, talking and catching up and out of no where, Sam proposed to me. That had to be one of the best days of my life! It was awesome and I am so glad that his parents were here to share that with us. Shortly thereafter, we set a date and "Operation Fit Into a Wedding Dress" began. I knew I had to step-up my game. I know that he loves me... otherwise, we wouldn't be where we are now and he fell in love with me when I weighed 237 lbs... that's right... two hundred and thirty seven pounds. (You know, there was a time when I would have died had anyone knew how much I weighed!!) Anyway... since I had already committed to losing weight for myself, I wanted to look good on my wedding day. I have been overweight for so long, that I just felt like I deserved this. I also want to do this for Sam... I guess I just want him to look at me and I want to knock his socks off. I know, that's cheesy! So... I was doing really well even though I had been having some knee pain. Some days it wasn't too bad other days it was. I went to the doctor and had an MRI and not only did I have pretty bad arthritis but they said that I damaged my meniscus. I did my best and pushed thru any pain I was feeling.... until, it was decided that I needed surgery. I really wasn't crazy about this idea but we went for it and on July 31 (a Wednesday), I had knee surgery. I thought I could take off the rest of the week and go back to work the following Monday and if I was really careful, I didn't see any reason I couldn't go to the gym and work upper body either. Well, I was a little too optomistic. I was actually home for a couple of weeks and when I was able to get back to the gym (which was still sooner than I probably should have.... but I'm hard headed) Eventually, I was going a couple times per week. Things were looking better and I started to really push myself but turns out that was a bad idea too. I pushed myself a little too far several weeks ago. I ended up having to go back to the doctor (and this was just last week). I got a steroid shot and we're hoping that the arthritis is just aggrevated... fingers crossed that's it. If not, I will have another MRI to see if I damaged it further while I was pushing myself too. People tell me all the time that I need to slow down and believe me when I say that I'm not trying to disregard what they are saying, it's not that I don't care. It's just that I have set a goal and although, I have not lost any weight in over 4 months and I realize I might not make my 50 lb goal by this summer... but I'm trying and the closer I am to that goal, the happier I will be. My plan is not to stop when I hit 50 more lbs.... no way. What I am doing is actually part of my life now. I may be able to take it a little easier on myself, indulge a little from time to time, but I don't ever want to be 237 lbs again. Also, I think anyone who has lost a substantial amount of weight knows where I'm coming from, when you have worked so hard to lose weight, there is always something inside of you that is afraid of putting it back on. Sure, I lost it once and I can lose it again. Definately. But it is a scary thought! I'm back in the gym and my goal is to try to make it 5 days per week. I am still taking it easy and only working upper body. In stead of the cardio I've been doing, Sam and I have changed things up. I feel good after my workouts but sometimes, it's hard. I just don't like to admit that it's too much, in fear of not making my goal. Rather than dieting, I've been doing a lot of research and we are eating better.... cleaner. I'm tracking calories again too so that I can track and log what I'm eating. I know it will happen and I'll get there eventually... it's not always easy, in fact, some days it is down-right hard.....I will continue to have struggles and even bad days but I'm not a quitter.

Inspiration

I seem to have hit a plateau in my weight loss… Yeah yeah, I know it happens.  I’ll be the first person to tell anyone else to just push thru and you can do it… I’m a great cheerleader… but when it’s me, I’m a little harder on myself.  Go figure.  I’m trying to change things up and force my body to react differently, that’s what usually works for me (We have learned that the hard way).  I remember a time that I would really get down on myself (hey, I'm not perfect!) but I’m getting better about how I deal with it.   

With my latest plateau, I have started thinking about what inspires me, what motivates me, what I need to do to get my act together.  There are a lot of people actually that inspire me.  My friend, Joyce, inspires me.  She is a tough woman who has been dealt a lot.  She is a beautiful, hard working,  single parent.  She finds time to work full time, raise her kids (not to mention she’s an awesome mom), she goes to the gym every day, she is a masters student, she's a good friend…. AND she bakes some pretty kick ass cupcakes… just sayin’.

My sweet cousin, Brooke, inspires me.  She has to be the strongest person I know.  She has two precious children (Zach and Amelia Hope).  They were both born with Hurlers Syndrome, or MPS 1 (Mucopolysaccharidoses).  MPS 1 is a genetic lysosomal storage disease caused by the body’s inability to produce specific enzymes.  Both children have already had bone marrow transplants.  They are the sweetest babies ever and so lucky to have a mom who is such an advocate for them!  She has spent months away from her husband and family to travel out of state so the children could get the best possible care. 

This past weekend, Sam and I went to watch his son compete in a Spartan Race.   That was a pretty awesome experience.  Kyle has a heart condition and just getting out there and participating was pretty inspiring to me.  It was a 4 ½ mile race with obstacles along the way.  Some of those obstacles looked pretty grueling.  We stood for a long time near a rope course (just one of many obstacles) where you had to climb up this rope netting, make your way across, then back down again (this was pretty tall I might add…)  I just watched as these competitors climbed and  thought to myself that there was no way I could do that….  I looked up and noticed people of all shapes and sizes climbing this thing; that was impressive.  There were people with an obvious fear of heights; that was impressive that they were facing their fear…. And about that time… we saw three men climbing the rope.  The first man had only one arm.  The second man had one leg and the third man had no arms.  Wow… my eyes teared up as I watched them make their way thru that obstacle.  It had to be the most inspiring thing I had ever seen in my life!  They climbed one piece of that netting, one step at a time.  One by one, they reached for one piece of netting, using whatever they had to pull themselves along until finally, they made it through the obstacle.  It wasn't easy but they did it.  It took real perseverance and determination.  Wow…. Who am I to complain about anything?  Who am I to say “I can’t”.  Who am I to take so much for granted?  That was a real eye opener! 

I am  by no means ready to do anything like that right now.  I’m doing good to do a 5K race with no obstacles… but I think within a year, we have decided that we might be ready for such an obstacle….let me just make a small clarification, of Team Lori and Sam, half of us are ready to run out and do the Spartan Race (isn't that right honey) but the other half of us, not so much.  I mean, if those men could do it, why can’t we??  I can work on some endurance and strength exercises for my upper body and this time next year… who knows, I may be talking about my own Spartan Race and how I conquered by own fears!

Sometimes, we just have to sit back and take a good look around.  We need to pause and really pay attention to what is going on around us.  We shouldn’t take things so personally and we have to remember that “not everything is about me”.  We need to not take things for granted.  Life is a precious gift.

I was that person that was "asleep" so to speak.  I looked around only as far as my blind eyes would see.  I didn't pay attention to what was going on around me... I felt sorry for myself and had too much going on in my little bubble to really see all of the beauty around me. 

We inspire one another.  We lift each other up.  We remind one another of the important things in life.  Without our friends (or the occasional stranger that really has no idea how much of an impact they may have on our lives), we wouldn’t push ourselves to be better people.  I, for one, wouldn't be who I am right now, if it weren't for the people in my life... the people who motivate me,  inspire me, lift me up.  Without people like Joyce, Brooke, Kyle, the 3 amazing men at the Spartan Race.... people like Sam who see me for what/who I am and for the burning desire to be a better person... who knows where I would be.  I just know that all of these people were placed in my life, however briefly, for a reason.  It's because of people like that that make me try harder each and every day.  It's because of people like that (and many many more) that make me say "I can" instead of "I can't".

Nifty Fifty

Here I am... fifty pounds lighter than I was in December.  Fifty pounds.  Wow.  Who would have thunk it?  That's fifty pounds in 5 months... approximately 10 pounds per month.  If you think about it, that's a big bag of dog food.  It's like a fourth grader.  It's a 20 inch tube television.  It's $200 in quarters.  It’s Fifty pounds. 

I cannot describe how much better I feel.  I can sit with my legs crossed… comfortably.  I never thought that would be something I would talk about much less be posting for all to read.  I also never thought that would be something that would be such a milestone; but there it is.

I’ve had a lot of people ask me how I have lost weight.  I love having these conversations.  Seriously, there is no secret.  No magic pill.  No smoke and mirrors.  You don’t have to spend a lot of money either.  It just takes hard work, determination and you have to burn more calories than you take in...did I mention it was gonna be hard? Not always.... but somedays will be harder than others.  That's life.  Now, I’m not knocking all of those programs, supplements and diets out there.  I’ve tried a lot of them and they all work differently on different people.  I’ve been successful with some and not so much with others.  The bottom line is that I’m trying to learn more about nutrition.  I know I can do a whole lot better and I need to be better educated.  That’s a work in progress… and I know it's something I need more work and help with.

I seriously think that I just had to come to the realization that I needed to make a change in my life.  Sort of like my epiphany.  If you aren’t serious and ready to put your whole heart into it, you just aren’t going to be as successful.  Sure, it may work for a while but it’s easy to get discouraged because you don’t see any progress and quit, it’s also easy to put the weight back on.  Believe me, I know that all too well.  I have quit so many times it’s not funny.  I’m not saying everyone has to get up before the roosters and go to the gym every morning like I do… that’s a personal preference.  I know that I have more energy in the morning.  I prefer that the gym isn’t super crowded.  I like to go early so I can focus on other things during the day (and because I don’t want to have to take another shower and wash my hair at the end of the day… call me lazy).  I also know that I’m tired at the end of the day and won’t get as good of a work out… it’s up to each person.  Do you have to buy an expensive gym membership?  No, absolutely not.  I started by walking a track.  It didn’t cost a dime.  It just takes time.  You have to make a commitment to yourself and stick with it.  You have to set goals.  It has to become a part of your daily routine, even when you just aren’t feeling it… I’ve had plenty of days like that.  I guarantee, when you are having a day like that, I promise you will feel better and you will be proud and feel like you have made an real accomplishment when you finish your exercise, whatever it is. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with making modifications along the way either.  That’s what I have done.  It’s how I learn what works best for me.  Remember, everyone is different so what works best on me might not work best on you.  Let me let you in on another little secret…
If you haven’t already started, read your labels.  Educate yourself on the nutritional facts.  Keep a record of what you eat.  Wait…. What?  Yeah,  that’s not always easy.  I’ve lied to myself and not put down something that I ate because I didn’t want to feel the guilt of it later on… but really…. Who does it hurt other than you??  It’s about accountability.  No one needs to see your food journal other than you. 

I went to dinner one night with my aunt and I’ll be honest, I was looking forward to it all day.  I knew just what I wanted to eat, I was “jones-ing” for one of my favorite items on the menu, I’ve had it lots of times.  It was a shrimp taco.  Seafood, cabbage,cilantro…. YUM…. And it was going to be healthy; I couldn’t wait.  We met for dinner and just for the heck of it, I pulled out my trusty phone and looked up the calories  I was about to consume on my nifty little app….. HOLD UP….. WAIT A MINUTE….. WHAT?  My favorite menu item consisted of my entire caloric allowance for the whole day.  Holy Guacamole, Batman!  Needless to say, my heart was sad but I passed and went in search of a new favorite food item to order.  Since that time, I have to put a lot more thought into things.  I don’t go out to eat very often anymore.  Sure there is the occasional lunch or dinner out, I have even been spotted at a local all you can eat Chinese Buffet but the difference is that I plan out where I’m going.  I look up the menu online and I know what I’m going to order once I get there.  The buffet was a rare thing but I still was able to make some descent choices.  My son wanted to go… so far be it from me to tell him no, especially when we had something from his school to celebrate.  I pass on deserts and let me tell you… that is not always easy!!  I just know that I have choices to make and then I have consequences.  Do I eat deserts?  Ocassionally, yes.  I even drink my weekly glass (or 2) of wine… that’s my choice and my reward for doing so well during the week.  What are the consequences you ask?  Well, that may be the needle inching up on the scale.  But it’s give and take… it’s choices that I make and I am in control of what I eat.  I own up and I take the responsibility.  I give myself a free day so I can enjoy (in moderation) the things I don’t normally eat  but what is funny is that I still plan ahead, I still watch what I eat, I still track those calories.  Why?  Because it’s habit. 

Exercise and diet/food in moderation is the key.  Find what works best for you.  Staying focused, being accountable and finding new ways to stay motivated… that is what will help you to be successful.  If I, the Queen of Quitting and of Excuses, can do this… seriously, anyone can.

Fifty pounds..... wow.  I've got quite a journey left to travel and once I reach my target, I move into the maintenance phase... but one thing at a time.  I'm happy about my accomplishment and I will continue doing what I'm doing and I will celebrate each day and with each accomplishment because I'm proud of myself. 

Change

I've been thinking a lot about change.  As we get older and have more life experiences, we change.  I like foods now that I didn't like when I was younger...I like brussels sprouts, asparagus, artichokes, I’m really not too picky, well, aside from  those nasty little green peas and cooked carrots.  I spent hours of my life just staring at my plate thinking there was just no way I was going to eat them.  I thought I might die a lonely old woman at our kitchen table as a child and I really didn't worry about those starving children in India or wherever they were that I was told about.  There is just no amount of time that will change my mind on that one!

I was a pretty active child.  I played softball and I loved it.  I wasn't the most graceful and I won't bore you with the time I tripped over home plate and tried to play it off as me sliding into home... anyone who knows anything knows you start your slide before home plate.... not after.... but like I said... I won't embarrass myself with that one.  I spent many a-hour of my childhood in the high school football field house with my dad (he was a coach).  I liked to tinker with the weights, even though I really didn't know what I was doing but it was fun and I appreciated them and I would come to really enjoy them as I got older.  I was in the pep squad in middle school and I was a cheerleader and a mascot in high school for a while and I loved doing that.  I enjoyed being active.  I loved motivating people and making them smile, even if it was at my own expense and me having "blonde moments" as my dad would say.  I was sort of a dorky kid so it seemed to fit.  My junior year, I moved from one high school across town to our rival school.  It was a weird transition for me but I made the best of it.  It was change.  I had a lot of friends at the school and that's all that mattered to me, I was happy.  I hung up my pom-pom and tried my hand with raising animals.  Turns out.... I loved it!  I had one of the best looking pig pens at the AG barn because I spent a lot of time out there.  I made a commitment and wanted to do my very best and that's just what I did. 

I've always been sort of a competitive person but also just kind of go with the flow, pretty laid back.  I was also pretty outgoing....like I said, I would do anything to make someone smile. I remember laughing a lot.  That changed too.  I had a lot of years that were pretty unpleasant.  I felt trapped in an unhealthy marriage and I felt like I could barely keep my head above water most of the time.  I did my best to smile for everyone on the outside but the inside was another story.  I got pretty good at just being numb and living one day to the next without a lot of emotion.  My son was the reason I woke up every morning and the reason I kept a smile on my face.  I love that kid! 

Anyone who knows me knows that I have trouble sharing things that are really personal… I don’t like to focus on the negative or talk about myself too much and have always felt weird sharing things that were just unpleasant about me.  I think I just felt like I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems.  Turns out, I’ve held a lot in over the years and that is something I want to change as well.  It's really not easy to share quite so much about myself (especially my past), it's intemidating because it is so personal.  I don’t want to relive the past and I don’t want to knock anybody or make them look bad but I feel like I’ve lived through a thing or two and I know that I’m not the only one who has travelled this path.  I have always felt as though all of that negative stuff happened so that I could help others.  You know, I'm making lemonade out of the lemons that life handed to me.  I have said before, if I can get through to one person, then I think I’ve accomplished something positive. 

I interrupt this program to bring to you a public service announcement:  I realize, as I'm writing this, that it is a little repetitive of my first post.  Please bare with me, I promise it won't happen often.  I just feel like I needed to expand a little about my past (believe me, it's not easy and I'm not in my comfort zone but I feel it's something I need to say).  Soooo, here's the rest of the story...

I stayed in that very unhealthy marriage for more years than I would like to admit.  I tried to leave but always got sucked right back in.  I was so unhappy.  I told myself that because I hadn't been "hit" that I wasn't in an abusive relationship.  I thought yelling was normal.  I even made excuses when I was belittled.  I quit caring about myself.  I quit caring about what i looked like.... well, aside from my hair and make up... I mean, seriously, I'm the girl that will do hair/makeup to go hunting or just to walk to the mailbox!  Anyway, I stopped exercising completely because I just didn't care about much of anything.  At my heaviest and you should know, I’m totally humiliated sharing this… but it’s important…. I was 256 pounds.  That kind of weight, it just drains you to do much of anything.  It's exhausting.  I watched exercise videos while sitting on the couch with a bag of chips thinking... I should be doing this.  I justified why I couldn't but I kept telling myself that someday.... someday I will get up off of this couch and do that too, but at the time, I just couldn’t find the motivation nor the energy.

This went on for many, many years.  Some people say you have to hit rock bottom in order to “see the light”…. I have seen the bottom of that rock and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty.  In the midst of my personal struggles, I have been blessed with some pretty amazing people in my life that really care about me and helped me whether they may realized it or not.  I was able to come to the realization that enough was enough.  It was the first step… it was going to be change and it was scary!!

As time went on, I surrounded myself with more amazing people and was starting to feel a lot better about myself…but I ended up looking down the same path that I had been in before.  I ended up in another unhealthy relationship.  Things seemed to be good but they weren’t.  I wanted to “better” myself and do something about my weight but life got in the way.  Another excuse…. I know!  I’m tellin’ ya, I was the Queen of Excuses.  Luckily, I saw the signs and was able to do something about it before it was too late.  I regret how certain things happened but all I can do is live and learn from yet another mistake or what I like to call “experience”. 

I wasn’t expecting it, but my life has been changed forever…change can be scary sometimes but sometimes it is needed.  Sometimes, it can be good… in fact, it can be very good.  In my case, it was very, very good.  My friend, Mercie told me for years that the right person would come along when I was least expecting it and boy was she right!!  I know that I don’t need anyone in my life to feel good about myself; I learned that the hard way.  I had to learn to take responsibility and stop making so many excuses.  Sure, it’s nice to have someone to share things with but sometimes, you settle for a situation and in my case, that’s what I did.  I settled for something that wasn’t good enough for me (not once but twice).  I deserved a lot better but because I had been beaten down by life and circumstances and I seemed to be stuck in a pattern, I all but gave up (yet again) and figured that my life was about as could as it was gonna get.

I knew that I needed to do something about my weight.  I fluctuated up and down for years.  When I was depressed the weight went up.  Occasionally, I worked to lose weight but damn, it was hard!  I had neglected myself for so long; I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start.  I was going to give up on men completely because that didn’t seem to be working for me.   I used to joke with my friend Joe and say that it was time to join a convent, only I wasn’t Catholic…. But those were just semantics.  Maybe if I could just focus on myself, I could be successful  When I left what I will refer to as “husband number 2”, I had a broken hand (that’s a whole other story and I'll spare those details) but I knew that when that cast came off it was time to seriously consider re-evaluating some things in my life…..that’s right….more change!

Life is all about change.  It’s about living life, making memories and experiencing new things.  We have to get out of our comfort zone…. Sort of like with me and this blog.  I’m sharing things that I normally wouldn’t tell anyone outside a small group of friends, but if I kept these things to myself, what good would it have been for??

Right smack-dab in the middle of trying to figure out how I was going to go about making some positive changes for me, God placed someone in my life.  This is that “very very good change” I mentioned earlier.  I had  prayed for help and for Him to place the right person in my path for a very long time and being the impatient person that I am…I had all but given up and I was okay with being alone.  Maybe that’s what was meant to be.  Apparently, this was when I least expected it….Mercie was right!  (She's one smart cookie)  This is when I met Sam.  Sam isn’t only my best friend and better half… he makes me want to be a better person.  He has never once asked me to change anything about myself (nor would he – that’s just how he rolls) but I asked him to help me because I didn’t know where to start.  Sam is an athletic guy and a power lifter and knows a thing or two about lifting weights and losing weight.  He isn’t the reason I am losing weight, I am losing weight for myself but I love how excited he gets not for me…. but with me.  Everyone needs a “Sam” in their life who gives them inspiration and motivation and a little boost every now and then when we need it most.

This is but the beginning of our journey… we are a great team.  We motivate each other in ways I have never experienced and I am blessed beyond measure to have Sam in my life.  It’s because of him, that I want to share my story with anyone who is willing to listen to me ramble on and on.  My story isn’t just about losing weight… it’s about life.  If I can find a way to put down that bag of potato chips, get up off of the couch and do something to make myself feel better, anyone can do it.  It’s not rocket science!  It’s not always going to be easy and life will get in the way occasionally but I’m here to say that it can be done.  What is it they say…..How do you eat an elephant??  One bite at a time! 

From the beginning.... this is my story

Hmmm, where do I start.  I've been thinking about starting a blog to track my weightloss journey and just give myself an outlet to talk about life in general.  I'm going to catch up from the beginning so please, forgive me if this is lengthy...

Once upon a time, I was thin and as I grew older... well, things changed.  I started having problems with my weight back in 1993 when I got pregnant with my only child. I had some complications and put on a lot of weight.  When I say alot, I looked like a manatee!  Hell, I'll be honest and say that I ate whatever I wanted.  I justified it to myself.  I fought depression because of a crappy marriage.  I've got lots of excuses.  I've used them as a crutch for many many years... but you know what??  Those are just excuses.  I have been FULL of them over the years... but things have changed.  Dont's worry... I'll get to that part.  It's the good part, trust me.

I ended my crappy marriage and eventually started excercising... this was approximately 5 years ago.  I had a work out partner and things were looking good.  I lost about 30 pounds but something happened.  My work out partner eventually moved away and I found yet another excuse to quit.  I reconnected with someone from my past and things were looking up and before I knew it, I got remarried.  Things seemed ok at first but I wasn't eating right, I wasn't excercising and I found myself stuck in the same type situation as my first crappy/abusive  marriage. I should have known better...it turns out it was a big mistake... huge.... but the way I see it, it may have been a blessing in disguise.  I had to go through a little more BS to understand and fully appreciate when the right person came into my life.  Luckily, that marriage was short lived (lesson learned) and I was in a position to move on.

Ok... we're getting closer.  Last October, I met the man that would come to change my life completly.  He liked me and fell in love with me for me not for what I looked like, rather, the woman who I am.  He "saw" me in the midst of the mess of myself that I was. He saw the real me.

He is a fit man that works out and is a power lifter.  I found that extremly interesting.... ok, I won't lie... it was a turn on.  Who doesn't like a nice built, muscular guy, especially when the package included someone that is handsome, nice, sweet, caring, funny and always wants to make sure I'm happy and can really fill out a pair of Wranglers if you know what I mean?  He's an amazing dad.  He's smart and on the occasions when we drive each other crazy, well, I couldn't stay mad at him if I tried (but don't tell him that I said that).  I love him.  I love his children.  I love his family... my life has been changed forever.

One early Saturday morning in December, I decided I was tired of living the way I had been.  I weighed 237 lbs, I was ashamed of that and I decided I was going to wake up and go walking.  I was tired of being overweight and I knew that I needed to make some changes. Sam always sent me a good morning text every morning when he went to the gym so that motivated me to think about myself and my own personal goals. I knew that he didn't care what I looked like but that he wanted me to be healthy so I would be around for a long time.  I knew that being fit was a priority to him and I decided it was about time it was my priority as well.  I got up that morning, put on my walking shoes and went to the park to walk a lap around the track.  You know what I realized??  I realized I was more out of shape than I had thought but I promised myself that day that I was going to stick to this once and for all.

I continued walking at the park every morning before work and eventually bought myself a gym membership.  I enlisted some help of a friend and asked Sam to help me.  I went on a diet... a strict diet and I increased my cardio and I added in some weight machines.  I have used them before a long time ago and rememberd how much I enjoyed lifting weights... I just needed guidance... ok, more than a little.  I need a lot but it's ok.

I enjoyed my gym a lot and had a gym buddy but the equipment there was minimal and I knew it would be a matter of time before I needed to upgrade so in March, Sam and I joined a gym together.  This was just the motivation I needed.  He could help me and guide me and even make some suggestions, plus, I would get to see him every day.... Score!  We make a great team.
 
I went from no excercise and no dieting to strict dieting and going to the gym 6 days a week... holy cow.... not only did I start going to the gym but I drug my butt out of bed at 4 AM just to do it.  Let me just repeat....Holy Cow!

I have changed up my diet in order to shock my body.  I am no longer on an extremly strict diet but I watch what I eat and I stay within 1200 calories per day.  This includes my post work out whey protein shake and my evening casein protein shake.  I take one day off per week where I can be less strict and I even enjoy a glass of wine! 

When I started dieting, it was so hard to be around anyone who ate... you see, I like food.  I like to cook.  My way of showing someone I care is to cook for them but I'm from Texas and we cook with butter and bacon down here... so, you see where that can be a problem!  I would get so hungry I will admit that I cheated on my diet on occasion... and I always felt terrible afterwards and I was ashamed of myself; Especially when I got on the scale and it reminded me of my weakness!  So I made some changes.  I'm trying to learn about nutrition.  I am more flexible with what I eat and even though I have a day where I don't have to be strict, I still think about what I can and want to eat.  It's about changing the way I think and the way I live.  When I'm surrounded by people who care and who understand and who are supportive... it makes life so much easier!!  I don't mind getting up at 4 AM.  I don't mind cooking and eating healthier because I'm not starving myself and I don't feel like I'm really missing out.

I post a lot about my journey on my personal facebook page.  At first, I was afraid that people would get tired of all of my gym check in's, my updates, my "Hey, I've lost another 5 pounds" type posts.... but  I've got to say... I've got some pretty amazing friends.  They are so encouraging for me and it gives me just what I need to continue from one day to the next.  Some people tell me that I'm inspiring or motivating them to better themselves.  I don't know about the inspiring part but I'm glad that I can use my story to help anyone else!

If I have learned anything in my 40 years... yes, I said 40... it's that I have had a lot of really crappy things handed to me in life but I never gave up.  If I can get through and help one person then I think it was all worth it. Sam says that I inspire him... well, I don't know about that... I don't know how I could.... he's a pretty amazing guy and has been through every bit as much as I have... if not more than I have.  The way I see it, it just took us some time to get to where we are and find each other because we make one helluva team together!!

He is my biggest fan and I appreciate him more than words can ever say for being so supportive, being so encouraging and for truely being excited about my journey.  Every bit of my progress he celebrates with me and says it is OUR progress because I'm not doing this alone.  Could I be any luckier??  I can answer that.... No, I can't.

Since December, I have lost 48 lbs.  I've still got a long road to travel but I'm not alone.  It's hard work but each day gets a little easier.  Each day I find the motivation that I need.  Each day.... I'm just happy!  There will be setbacks occasionally... some days it's harder than others but I have the love and support of my Sam, my son, my friends and family and I am dedicated, determined, motivated, not to mention stubborn enough to prove that I can do this!