I am Thankful...

I have SO much to be thankful for!! I have learned so much this past year while on my journey to a healthy, happier me! I have learned that I am so much stronger than I thought I was; not just physically but mentally! I can do so much more than I ever gave myself credit for and I am so happy to have learned this about myself. For so many years, I was beat down, had very low self esteem, was depressed and was just existing from one day to the next.

Like so many of us, I have tried dieting and exercise and like I’ve said before, I had LOTS of excuses. It was hard…. Damn hard and I quit more times than I would like to admit! But like the saying goes - Fall seven times, get up eight!

I learned that even though I had been beat down, despite that low self esteem, despite being depressed that I was tired of just existing. I wanted more. I had friends and family that cared about me, so why couldn’t I start caring again? It was time to find and get to know myself again and make some changes.

I did that… or at least, I was beginning to, I was on the right path and headed in the right direction (some days that’s the best we can do) and then I met Sam (I’ve told that Story before…. It’s a great story) and I wanted to dedicate myself to being healthier. I made myself a promise that I would never be in that dark place again and I would shed the 100 or so lbs that I had put on over the past 17 years and I WOULD be successful this time. I was ready. I was more than ready. I was taking control of my life. Every day, I was learning that I had the ability to make the changes needed. Have I slipped up occasionally?? Of course… but I didn’t quit and I didn’t let it get me down. I just brushed myself off and got back on track. Why? Because I want this…. I mean, I really want this.

Over the past year, I have lost 65 lbs. If you add it all up, it’s probably a little more because I lost 60, gained about 15 after surgery and I have lost another 12 since then… but if you are counting from where I started last December…. I’ve still lost 65 lbs and it’s AmAzing!

Would I be happy if I maintained where I am currently? Well, here’s the dealio… Yes, I would be happy…. But I WANT more. I am proud of the progress that I have made and I see the changes that my body is going through and I love it. I love the idea of not having to wear a pair of Spanx with my wedding dress in June, however, IF I have to….. of course I will! I’m looking forward to walking on the beach in Cancun without worrying if people are looking at me. I love seeing the muscle definition forming in what we call my “baby muscles”. I get excited whenever I see something new that I haven’t noticed before. Just this morning, I could see a baby muscle in my triceps while doing some tricep exercises on the cables. I have not seen that before and it was exhilarating.

About two weeks ago, I received a cute new shirt in the mail that I had ordered online. I pulled it out of the package and looked it over. I was so excited to wear it but it looked awful small. I’m wearing a large t-shirt to the gym these days, but this looked like one of those shirts that was made extra small or maybe it was a junior sized shirt… regardless, I took one look at it and knew it wouldn’t fit. I didn’t bother trying it on. I just put in the drawer with the rest of my work out gear and set a goal that I would wear it soon. Last night, I was putting my things together so I could wake up, get dressed and head out the door to the gym. I saw the shirt. I held it up to myself and said, nope…. It’s still too small but what the Hell, I’m gonna try it on anyway. I’ll just see if I can gauge how long it will be before I can wear it. Guess what? It actually fit. I was amazed! Holy Cow, it fit. I’m telling you, by looking at it, it’s awful small…. You know what I learned from that? Apparently, I’m smaller than I think. It’s funny how we see ourselves so much differently than how others see us. I'm thankful my body is changing as a result of my hard work :)

It’s not about the number on the scale. It’s not about the size of the jeans. It’s about how I feel. It’s being confident and feeling on the outside the same as I feel on the inside. I am happy. I am happy and I am thankful for all of the blessings I have received. For all of the people I have met. For all of the people who care about me and my progress. For those who encourage me to work harder than I did the day before. For sharing their own stories and touching me. For people who say they are inspired when they hear my story. It’s unbelievable and I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me when people say that I have inspired them. It makes my heart happy.

One Year....wow!

It was one year ago today.... one year ago that I woke up and life as I knew it would change. Did I have any idea what would happen? Did I have any idea what I was getting myself into? Did I have any idea what the heck I was doing? The answer to all of those questions was not just no but "Hell No".

As I have said any other posts, I had a moment in my life that I decided I was fed up with the way I was living. I woke up one cold December morning and decided to take my life back into my hands and make some changes.... that date was one year ago today.

In the past year, I have seen weight come off, weight go back on, I have worked the proverbial "blood, sweat and tears", I have been benched because of knee surgery but the one thing that has remained has been my dedication and persistence. Losing weight feels amazing.... however months and months of plateau - NOT so much! The "old me" would have quit a long time again, especially when I hit a plateau or when I started gaining weight. It's frustrating. It's easy to throw in the towel. It's easy to find the excuses and quit.... but I didn't do any of those things.... and I won't.

I was on a roll when I started my journey a year ago. I was steadily losing weight and that felt Amazing but then I hit a brick wall when I was told I was going to have to have knee surgery. I hated not being able to get into the gym. I actually lost weight the first week or so, despite the fact I was layed-up on the couch but that gradually turned into about 10 lbs of weight gain. I pushed myself before I was ready, I know I did... but anyone on this journey knows that if you're not working and you're not eating right then you're not losing anything... so I started pushing through the pain and just did what I could. Since August, I have maintained my weight. I haven't lost but at least I was maintaining. I was eating alright and doing what I could but I still knew that I needed to change things up. I was tired of being stuck and frustrated.

There is still a lot that I can't do at the gym and I'm taking my time and doing what I can. I'm still not healed, in fact, there are days I don't feel any better off... but I'm not a quitter. I'm determined. I've got a goal.

I am very fortunate to have so many amazing people in my life! I wouldn't be where I am today without their strength and support. Sam is right there at the top of that list. There have been days I have whined, complained and just haven't felt it but he was still right there with me, encouraging me because he has faith in me. I have also met some pretty amazing people online through a community of people who share similar goals and am lucky to have found them. Because of this, I have been working with an amazing group of women, working towards a 30 Day Holiday Challenge... but more importantly, I have gotten back into the groove of where I should be.... I'm actually losing weight again and I can't be happier. Is it hard? Hell yeah, it's hard! Can I do it? Absolutely!!

I've learned that there will be ups and there will be downs. There will be good days and there will be bad days. There will be great weight loss and there will also be days that I slip up and I will enjoy the holidays and special occasions... I'm only human! What is important is that tomorrow is always a new day. What is important is that no matter what, I'm not throwing in the towel. I've been there and I've done that and I've gotta say that even on a very frustrating day now, well that sure as hell beats a day of my past life where I wasn't doing anything at all!!

I am no where near where I want to be but that's ok... that's why this is called a journey. I'm not going to wake up one morning and say "I have reached my goal weight, I'm finished"... it doesn't work that way. It's a journey that I will be on the rest of my life. I will continue to set goals for myself and each day, I will strive to be better than I was the day before.

So here we are, a year later.... a year from the day I decided to change my life for good, a year from the day I decided to do this for myself.... do I have any regrets.... NO, of course not! Have you heard the saying "A year from now, you will wish you have started today?" I cannot express how happy I am that I started my journey a year ago and I can't wait to see where I am a year from today!