Change

I've been thinking a lot about change.  As we get older and have more life experiences, we change.  I like foods now that I didn't like when I was younger...I like brussels sprouts, asparagus, artichokes, I’m really not too picky, well, aside from  those nasty little green peas and cooked carrots.  I spent hours of my life just staring at my plate thinking there was just no way I was going to eat them.  I thought I might die a lonely old woman at our kitchen table as a child and I really didn't worry about those starving children in India or wherever they were that I was told about.  There is just no amount of time that will change my mind on that one!

I was a pretty active child.  I played softball and I loved it.  I wasn't the most graceful and I won't bore you with the time I tripped over home plate and tried to play it off as me sliding into home... anyone who knows anything knows you start your slide before home plate.... not after.... but like I said... I won't embarrass myself with that one.  I spent many a-hour of my childhood in the high school football field house with my dad (he was a coach).  I liked to tinker with the weights, even though I really didn't know what I was doing but it was fun and I appreciated them and I would come to really enjoy them as I got older.  I was in the pep squad in middle school and I was a cheerleader and a mascot in high school for a while and I loved doing that.  I enjoyed being active.  I loved motivating people and making them smile, even if it was at my own expense and me having "blonde moments" as my dad would say.  I was sort of a dorky kid so it seemed to fit.  My junior year, I moved from one high school across town to our rival school.  It was a weird transition for me but I made the best of it.  It was change.  I had a lot of friends at the school and that's all that mattered to me, I was happy.  I hung up my pom-pom and tried my hand with raising animals.  Turns out.... I loved it!  I had one of the best looking pig pens at the AG barn because I spent a lot of time out there.  I made a commitment and wanted to do my very best and that's just what I did. 

I've always been sort of a competitive person but also just kind of go with the flow, pretty laid back.  I was also pretty outgoing....like I said, I would do anything to make someone smile. I remember laughing a lot.  That changed too.  I had a lot of years that were pretty unpleasant.  I felt trapped in an unhealthy marriage and I felt like I could barely keep my head above water most of the time.  I did my best to smile for everyone on the outside but the inside was another story.  I got pretty good at just being numb and living one day to the next without a lot of emotion.  My son was the reason I woke up every morning and the reason I kept a smile on my face.  I love that kid! 

Anyone who knows me knows that I have trouble sharing things that are really personal… I don’t like to focus on the negative or talk about myself too much and have always felt weird sharing things that were just unpleasant about me.  I think I just felt like I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems.  Turns out, I’ve held a lot in over the years and that is something I want to change as well.  It's really not easy to share quite so much about myself (especially my past), it's intemidating because it is so personal.  I don’t want to relive the past and I don’t want to knock anybody or make them look bad but I feel like I’ve lived through a thing or two and I know that I’m not the only one who has travelled this path.  I have always felt as though all of that negative stuff happened so that I could help others.  You know, I'm making lemonade out of the lemons that life handed to me.  I have said before, if I can get through to one person, then I think I’ve accomplished something positive. 

I interrupt this program to bring to you a public service announcement:  I realize, as I'm writing this, that it is a little repetitive of my first post.  Please bare with me, I promise it won't happen often.  I just feel like I needed to expand a little about my past (believe me, it's not easy and I'm not in my comfort zone but I feel it's something I need to say).  Soooo, here's the rest of the story...

I stayed in that very unhealthy marriage for more years than I would like to admit.  I tried to leave but always got sucked right back in.  I was so unhappy.  I told myself that because I hadn't been "hit" that I wasn't in an abusive relationship.  I thought yelling was normal.  I even made excuses when I was belittled.  I quit caring about myself.  I quit caring about what i looked like.... well, aside from my hair and make up... I mean, seriously, I'm the girl that will do hair/makeup to go hunting or just to walk to the mailbox!  Anyway, I stopped exercising completely because I just didn't care about much of anything.  At my heaviest and you should know, I’m totally humiliated sharing this… but it’s important…. I was 256 pounds.  That kind of weight, it just drains you to do much of anything.  It's exhausting.  I watched exercise videos while sitting on the couch with a bag of chips thinking... I should be doing this.  I justified why I couldn't but I kept telling myself that someday.... someday I will get up off of this couch and do that too, but at the time, I just couldn’t find the motivation nor the energy.

This went on for many, many years.  Some people say you have to hit rock bottom in order to “see the light”…. I have seen the bottom of that rock and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty.  In the midst of my personal struggles, I have been blessed with some pretty amazing people in my life that really care about me and helped me whether they may realized it or not.  I was able to come to the realization that enough was enough.  It was the first step… it was going to be change and it was scary!!

As time went on, I surrounded myself with more amazing people and was starting to feel a lot better about myself…but I ended up looking down the same path that I had been in before.  I ended up in another unhealthy relationship.  Things seemed to be good but they weren’t.  I wanted to “better” myself and do something about my weight but life got in the way.  Another excuse…. I know!  I’m tellin’ ya, I was the Queen of Excuses.  Luckily, I saw the signs and was able to do something about it before it was too late.  I regret how certain things happened but all I can do is live and learn from yet another mistake or what I like to call “experience”. 

I wasn’t expecting it, but my life has been changed forever…change can be scary sometimes but sometimes it is needed.  Sometimes, it can be good… in fact, it can be very good.  In my case, it was very, very good.  My friend, Mercie told me for years that the right person would come along when I was least expecting it and boy was she right!!  I know that I don’t need anyone in my life to feel good about myself; I learned that the hard way.  I had to learn to take responsibility and stop making so many excuses.  Sure, it’s nice to have someone to share things with but sometimes, you settle for a situation and in my case, that’s what I did.  I settled for something that wasn’t good enough for me (not once but twice).  I deserved a lot better but because I had been beaten down by life and circumstances and I seemed to be stuck in a pattern, I all but gave up (yet again) and figured that my life was about as could as it was gonna get.

I knew that I needed to do something about my weight.  I fluctuated up and down for years.  When I was depressed the weight went up.  Occasionally, I worked to lose weight but damn, it was hard!  I had neglected myself for so long; I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start.  I was going to give up on men completely because that didn’t seem to be working for me.   I used to joke with my friend Joe and say that it was time to join a convent, only I wasn’t Catholic…. But those were just semantics.  Maybe if I could just focus on myself, I could be successful  When I left what I will refer to as “husband number 2”, I had a broken hand (that’s a whole other story and I'll spare those details) but I knew that when that cast came off it was time to seriously consider re-evaluating some things in my life…..that’s right….more change!

Life is all about change.  It’s about living life, making memories and experiencing new things.  We have to get out of our comfort zone…. Sort of like with me and this blog.  I’m sharing things that I normally wouldn’t tell anyone outside a small group of friends, but if I kept these things to myself, what good would it have been for??

Right smack-dab in the middle of trying to figure out how I was going to go about making some positive changes for me, God placed someone in my life.  This is that “very very good change” I mentioned earlier.  I had  prayed for help and for Him to place the right person in my path for a very long time and being the impatient person that I am…I had all but given up and I was okay with being alone.  Maybe that’s what was meant to be.  Apparently, this was when I least expected it….Mercie was right!  (She's one smart cookie)  This is when I met Sam.  Sam isn’t only my best friend and better half… he makes me want to be a better person.  He has never once asked me to change anything about myself (nor would he – that’s just how he rolls) but I asked him to help me because I didn’t know where to start.  Sam is an athletic guy and a power lifter and knows a thing or two about lifting weights and losing weight.  He isn’t the reason I am losing weight, I am losing weight for myself but I love how excited he gets not for me…. but with me.  Everyone needs a “Sam” in their life who gives them inspiration and motivation and a little boost every now and then when we need it most.

This is but the beginning of our journey… we are a great team.  We motivate each other in ways I have never experienced and I am blessed beyond measure to have Sam in my life.  It’s because of him, that I want to share my story with anyone who is willing to listen to me ramble on and on.  My story isn’t just about losing weight… it’s about life.  If I can find a way to put down that bag of potato chips, get up off of the couch and do something to make myself feel better, anyone can do it.  It’s not rocket science!  It’s not always going to be easy and life will get in the way occasionally but I’m here to say that it can be done.  What is it they say…..How do you eat an elephant??  One bite at a time!